I feel like crap. And am slightly annoyed. I know that I have to help him get up, but my god.. I'm tired, and cranky. Sometimes I just wish he could do it on his own. I just want to sleep. Things have gotten worse lately.. I keep having these flashbacks of things that happened before that hurt me. I'm trying really hard no to resent him for those thoughts. He apologized, and we agreed to move past them. Am I a bad person for not being able to just forget? I'm trying.. I'm trying to move forward, but things from the past keep bubbling up in my mind.. I wish this was one of the bazillion things I could forget. :(

Ok.. lol. This is the longest I've written in a LONG time. But I really just felt like putting these things out there. Sadly, it isn't everything I have to say.. but right now, I'm in this mood where.. I'm done trying, thinking and worrying about things.. I shall just lay here, halfassing life until I feel better.. lol. Sad, I know, but I don't care at this point in time. I am fully aware that none of you will completely read this.. which is fine, it's for me. :) I finally come out of this little depressional rut I've been in the last.. idk, 2 weeks? roughly, idk. And BOOM things are like all super dee duper. Lol. I went from laying in my bed most hours of the day, halfass getting online & working out some.. completely pissy, and alone. Feeling like I had no one to talk to.. because I actually didn't.. except for Nil. <3 at that point in time. Thank youuuu sooo much girly. You got me through a rough spot. I was heartbroken, frustrated, and above all- lonely. And then all at once.. I get a bunch of comments and some texts from Karri. <33! I was uber excited, we made plans to get together, as well as chatted online for several hours at a time. Mostly about serial killers and such.. lol, but I didn't care. I actually came to find it incredibly interesting. but yeah.. I had someone to talk to.I was ecstatic when she wanted to get together. It's in my MS blog.. lol. But yeah.. I was so happy to have gotten back one of my closest friends. <3

Since the whole Ben & Britt situation... things between Britt and I have been... awkward. She seems to annoy me alot. I hate to say that, but it's true. She calls alot, wait.. lemme rephrase.. she went through this spell where she called everyday, a few times.. texted me out the ass. I know she was just lonely.. but damn. I don't think she realized that "we needed a break". Lolll. So weird, but yeah.. so I guess the whole.. breakup thing upset her more than she's letting onto people. Actually I know it is, you aren't sisterly close to someone for four years without being able to read them. It's weird though.. I'm really sure that she kinda blames for why her and Ben split, even though she won't come right out and say it. She says things like "yeah, we really stopped hanging out after you two stopped talk. I think he only dated me to hang out with you". WTF. I can't read her sometimes .. sometimes I think I know what's going on in that head of hers.. but other times.. wow, she makes no sense whatsoever. I'm not going to cite examples, but yeah. but anyways.. after a billion unanswered phone calls and halfassed texts.. I think she got the hint.. and slowed down a lil. Which is good, it was nice to have some air. So that was better.. & then spending the day with Karri & Willard helped tremendously. I felt unweighted by things that had happened. I didn't have to worry about saying something offensive, there were no eggshells. I love that. Because the previous month.. thats all I did.. walk on eggshells.. trying not to say something I'd regret around Britt.. and at home.. home life.. wow home life has been fucking crazy. Financially.. we hit a rough spot. Dad's got a job now, a nice paying one too. BUT that means, because of our car situation.. I can't get a job. Which is upsetting.. I want my own fucking money.. and I REALLY want to get outta the house more.

Anyways.. I guess it's just been hard on me. Losing a friend I was so close to. It hurts.. to know that someone can just write you off like that. Over something as stupid as money. DAMNIT. It's frustrating. I mean, it's not like it was just some halfass friend either. Ben & I were really close. :( Midnight trips to Walmart just to play in the music aisle or Walmart. Britt, Ben and I would always sneak off to the lake and break into the marina.. sit on the docks.. and just talk about where our lives were going. I've never really had people I could do that with before. Who never ever judged me because my dreams were a little different from everyone elses, never judging me because of my home life.. even though they knew everything that was going on. And rescued me from it a few times. It just fucking sucks. that one day you have that... and the next day its completely gone. Over stupid shit. The sad thing is, I'm no bigger of a person than he is about it. Since then... I havn't said one word to him. I should have said something.. I should say something. I'm just not really sure what to say.. ya know? It's not exactly easy to just walk up to someone, casually, and say "Hey, you used to be a huge part of my life, what happened?" I know there were issues.. but come on. BAH.. It's just now starting to get to me. I can pretend to hate him all I want, I can pretend that this whole fucking situation doesn't bother me.. like I have been. BUT the truth is.. It does bother me, alot.. & I don't hate him.. I'm very angry with him for how he acted, and even more angry because he never appologized & fucking took the easy way out by just avoiding me. Hoping it would blow over? Well, sorry.. this isn't one of those things that just blows over, and then next time we see each other.. things are fine. Nope.

The hard part is... next weekend, Manda invited all 3 of us to go out with her. I guess we'll end up in East Lynn. who knows. But.. how the hell am I supposed to act? I can't really snub him.. nor do I want to. But I can't talk to him with the others there. That.. just would be awkward. I have a feeling this is Manda's idea of fixing things between us... I doubt a little alcohol will do the trick. It'll be so awkward.. I really don't wanna go. But it's Manda.. I have to.. lol. I owe her sooo much. Idk.. but unfortunately these aren't the only problems I have right now.. Lol. For some reason, sparing details, it seems I can't have children of my own. I never realized how hard that was gonna hit me. I've always been the kind of person that when told NOT to do something.. it makes me wanna do it even more. Lol. Which I'm sure everyone knows by now.. but having some stupid doctor tell me I couldn't have kids.. eventually made me wonder what it would be like.. I thought about it alot before decided that "hey... I kinda wanted kids". I mean, I may have changed my mind down the road, and decided against it. BUT I wanted that decision to be mine to make. It doesn't seem fair that it's already made for me. :( And I know its stupid.. but I fear something like this could cause relationship problems down the road.. infact, I'm sure it will. Which isn't good. And again, as I laugh and carry on like nothings bothering me... it's really hard to just move on from. guess you take the bad with the good... after a terrible falling out with my previous employer & my avoiding them for the past 6 months... I was walking to Britt's the other day. I got to the big field right as you turn onto Wilson's creek, where I discovered that the people there had bought a couple Quarter Horses, that made me happy, but anyways.. I get to the split & Rody stops me. O.o HE did mention the money I still owed him like three times, BUT he invited me back to the barn to visit. He was really nice about it too, which I really wan't expecting after everything that had happened. I was so happy for the rest of the day & following day. As much as I would LOVE my job back, provided the pay wasn't as terrible, I know I can't. *Sigh* It would be a repeat of what happened before.. I would be consumed by it. I'd be there 24 hours a day, leaving behind what little bit of a social life that I have.. and sad to say, probably forgetting about most of my friends for a while. I hate to even think of such things.. BUT if history were to repeat itself.. I already know that I would. I'm too passionate about those horses.. and I'd give up anything for that place and the horses. I used to skip school to go work, to unload hay, to wait for the foals to be born.. it was crazy. But I loved it. Until things got crazy ofcourse. I don't want to do that, nor do I want to get in their debt again.. lol. Especially with two new foals due to arrive within the next month.. if I were there everyday.. I have no doubts that within the first 3 days those babies were there.. I would have convinced myself to buy/work for one.. lol And I just can't. Thats kind of a bummer. Because, as of right now. I don't like where my life is heading. & now as I lay here... feeling depressed & jsut tired of the everyday loneliness and bullshit and being taken for granted.. I almost wish I could go back to that life.. I was never alone, and I was never taken for granted. I was appreciated. I had 13 horses to keep me company, and thats all I needed. Lol. Thats sad..

But whatever. I'm really excited to get to go back and see them, for real. But I know that once I pass the third stall on the right.. I'll tear up. That was April's stall.. that's where I spent everyday for about two years grooming, training, and just playing with her. I feel like going there.. will make it all so real. I have yet to shed a tear over her leaving. BUT I I KNOW I will.. once I go there. It's all been building up, like I told myself I wouldn't do.. let it build.. and build and build until eventually it all came out. I can feel it.. like the calm before the storm. I can't really stop it, because I shouldn't. I think I need it. I need to cry, I need to get it all out.. but if people only knew. Lol, my friends.. yeah, they don't understand why someone would get so emotional over a horse. I can't help it. I had a bond with that horse stronger than almost all of those with my friends. She was, infact, my best friend. I watched her grow up, growing with her. Learning.. lol. When I started there & even when I decided to buy Ape, I knew very little about horses. :P And nearly nothing about training, handling, and over all care. I quickly learned the best ways to keep her healthy, with a strict regimen of diet and excercise. Keeping her stall nice and bedded with pine shavings or pellets, cleaning it out multiple times daily. And groomed nice a neat. For a horse with so much white, I did a really good job. Even in the winter when the pasture was nothing but six inches of mud, she looked pretty amazing. Her coat was well cared for. She was uber fat and sassy. And muscular.. wow. Lol, I worked with her for a long time, teaching her manners, and learning how to not be run over by her. Having to assert myself when working with her, she learned really quick. I never once had to whip or take a crop to her, just me and my lead. :) She was very flashy. Carried herself so well with a gorgeous trot. She did have a lot of motor though.. lol. Which gave me many a rope burn on my hands before we finally got her tamed down. It took me six fucking months to get her to stand for the farrier. The first time I had someone come out to trim her hooves, she literally jumped over him as he bent over and picked up her front right. Lol. She was a nightmare that usually needed sedation. :( But after going in her stall several times a day and playing with her feet.. picking them out, holding them up and MAKING her stand for it, then rewarding her afterwards.. she soon became the farrier's favorite. A guy named Bryan Adkins started coming out. He really liked Ape. Lol, usually doing her first because she was so well behaved. She stood there, with only a lead and my scratching her ears and jaw.. and she stood the whole time.. but was pretty bad to reach over nip at his butt as he worked on her back feet. Lol. He thought it was cute.. so did we. She made all the other horses look bad. Lol, most of the others had to either be sedated.. or shanked with a chain above their noses or below the chin, or all of the above. Lol, I was very proud of her. And myself. It's a wonderful feelng when lots of hard work pays off. The rewards are amazing.. atleast to me they were. :) Especially since everything I had accomplished I had taught myself. I mean, tidbits of information were given to me by both Rody & Gail.. but mostly small stuff about how to control her better and such.. nothing I really used though. I mean, their advice was usually to shank her.. which means to slide a chain lead up through her halter, securing it over her nose.. the idea is that when she acts up or gets too far ahead of me, pull on the shank and the chain would get her attention. While this method may work with many horses.. with April it did not. She would fight the shank, more than she did just the lead, sometimes rearing up & getting testy.. so I gave up on that pretty quick. My approach instead, was to hook my lead line to her, and walk her everywhere.. lol. At first she'd get pushy and hurry me, pulling and pushing me along.. but after about two hours of just walking, I guess she figured out it was just easier to not fight me and just walk. Brittany wins. :) MAN, I miss those days. Lol.. to most that doesn't sound too exciting. To me, it's the most amazing thing in the world.. the impact one can make. *Sigh* I don't know if I'm ready to admit the fact that I don't have that anymore.. this whole time I've been away, it just feels like I'm on a longass vacation. Lol, and that anyday now.. I go back to work, back to Ape, back to the life I love. But it's gone.. and I don't wanna face it. Lol. You put so much time, effort, money & heart ino something.. and its incredibly hard to just let it all go. So I, the smart person I am :/, just try to remain obliviousa to it all. But the game has come to and end.. and I have to come to terms with it. So, in conclusion.. there's alot of good and bad in my life right now. This blog only scratches the surface of a long long long list of other things. lol, but quite honestly.. I just tired of typing.. I'm tired of thinking. Tired of dealing with all this garb.. As much good, and as helpful as the people in my life are.. the bad ultimately out weighs the good.. by the ton. *Sigh* For now.. I'll continue.. living this lie that I'm happy, wearing my smile, and remainng quiet. Lol, and go on like all is well. It's amazing what a smile and a good sense of humor will cover up...

So, I totally meant to update this before now. But the last 48 hours I've been rather busy. Got together with Karri & Willard, whom I hadn't seen in foreverrrr. <3 I missed them terribly. We hung with Britt, Manda & Koty too. It was fun, minus the sillystring I had dig outta my hair. And trhen yesterday I caught a ride with Willard's mom, so I could go with her, Karri, Willard & Landen- his nephew, I believe. We walked around Ritter Park for a while,talking mostly, Karri & I. It was uber nice, and warm- not hot, but it was rather crowded. I don't usually like to go places with that many people, but it was worth it. Willard did his thing- Ampguard [sp] & we eventually took Landen over to the playground & played in the sand, burying him, halfway making sandcastles, before he destroyed them, and just over all- getting dirty. Then we got in trouble because we had Landen saying "bagina". >< Ha. That kid rocked, I was told he was on good behavior that day. Lol. Funny. After playing in the sand for a few minutes, Nil calls me. And asks if I wanted to go to the park with her & George. Lol, weird. They joined us there, considerate enough to bring me a water. <3 thankies. lol, although Karri & Landen proceeded to drink it all. lol, but yeah, they brought a Ninja Turtle frisby thingy & Nil, George, Landen & I passed it for a lil while before Landen decides that passing it isn't fun anymore, and takes off with it. George chases him, and they play for about 20 mins. Despite what he may say,he liked it. Lol, finally someone on his level for him to play with. Lolll. Then we went back to the sand to compete in sandcastle building. Landen cheated, he stomped George's castle before he even got close to finishing. Lol. It was interesting. I had a blast, I really wanna go back there soon. The park is very lovely this time of year. :]] After a lil while, I go with Nil & George. We got grab a bite to eat & head back to their apartment. Lol, where it was determined that I was staying the night, as usual. :P We go pick up some pjs & end up playing Wii for an hour or so. I watched a first.. lol, aware that I suck at all things video game related, minus Spyro rofl. After they head to bed I stayed up until like.. 4 am playing Spongebob. Haha, I totally pwned that game. So the last 24 hours have rocked. Playing Wii, surfing the net, and playing in the new massage/heated recliner. Nil did have to work today, & I'm guessing sshe'll be home in a couple hours. Not sure when George will be back. Either way.. it's been nice. Away from home, in great company- Smokey has been a most awesome complanion.. minus the kissing [; ha. I suppose I'll stay another night. So if anyone needs to reach me, the cell's on. <3 Tata.

This is my first, of manymanymany, posts. I decided to completely redo my journal, starting fresh. I have a new outlook on life, and it was only right to start fresh so's I could express that properly. :) My former journal.. was full of entries that were really about nothing. Expressing only how fucking whiny I am. Haha, well.. was. I was somewhat depressed, and playing into the "hurt" catagory. Lol, I'm pretty much done whining, now realizing I have nothing to whine about. :/ Atleast I'm alive, eh? Recent events have shown me that I should be very greatful for that. So.. I guess I'll start this off the way I'd like. Get to know me. :) While, if you choose to keep reading my posts, you'll learn alot about me through different entries, there are some things I'd like you to know upfront. <3 

Numero uno; Personality.
I'm crazy- hands down. I have untreated ADHD & am borderline OCD. Lol. Great attributes, I know. But yeah.. I LOVELOVELOVE who I am. I'm awesome. I'm possibly one of the most outgoing people you'll ever meet. I'm brutally honest; I don't care if that hurts someones feelings, its better than being lied to. :/ You should also know that I really don't care what you think of me. :) I like me, and thats all that matters. I'm a very passionate person when it comes to the things I love, and can become the fighting type, if necessary. I'm a laid back person most of the time, but have spells of extreme hyperness. >D 

What DO I love? 
My friends!!! Whom will receive their own post, later on. <3 I also love horses. OMG. I would love to once again be an equestrain someday. Love Western Pleasure riding, reining, & barrel racing. I love horses, period. They are such amazing animals & often felt I could connect more with them than I could most people. During a rough spot in my life, all I had were horses. They are simply amazing. <3 I love to write. Lol, I know.. coulda fooled you, eh? Not really into writing things that are fictional; I love writing about experiences in my life, my opinions & obviously, about my horses. <33 I'm a nerd, who spends wayy to much time online. Usually chatting via myshpace or aim. On ocassion I do get my ass up, I loveeeee the outdoors. Walking, hiking, playing in the sand, i love it. Then again, I've always preferred the outdoors. 

Ok- so-
As I mentioned earlier, I'm totally redoing this. :)
Expect many interesting things to follow this post, the next one being UBER IMPORTANT. <3
LOVELOVELOVE.
-- BrittANY.